Happy Birthday, Vivi!
by Vividoll
Summary: Vivi turns ten, and the rest of the FFIX gang throws him a party. But what happens when things get a little out of hand? Rated for swearing and alcohol reference.
1. Happy Birthday, Vivi!

Chapter 1: Paint, nuts, and Party Plans  
  
"DAMMIT!" Said Zidane as his ladder fell for the third time. "I thought I told you to hold the damn thing!" "Sorry, Ziddy." said Blank, stifling a laughing fit. The sight of Zidane with the can of yellow paint over his head like goldilocks with a silver pillbox hat and a bad dye job was almost too much for him. They were painting the house that warm sunny day. It was one of those hot, lazy summer days that you thought would never end, and to kill the boredom that threatened to rot their brains into mush, Zidane, Vivi, and Blank were all painting the hideout a color of yellow so cheerful it would make Kate Hudson throw up. Vivi was out back Getting some more paint, (They wouldn't let him go up the ladder after last year's house painting incident) Because they had run out when Blank let go of the ladder to stare at a naked sunbather over in someone's yard. Zidane glared at his friend. "I also told you to quit calling me Ziddy! It sounds like a brand of cheap pasta!" Blank raised an eyebrow. "Whatsa matter with you? Man, you're acting like Mike Tyson with a bad case of hemmorhoids." "How do you even know who he is? that guy doesn't live in our world!" Blank beamed. "I got something called a 'TV'. I can view mirages right in my own living room, even the ones from other worlds! They call them 'Shows'" "You're so lucky! Do you get Starz?" "No, that costs extra. But I have Cartoon Network! A cartoon is a moving drawing." "This I gotta see, B.!" Blank gave him a look. "Don't call me B. It sounds like a girl name." Zidane gave him a smug look. "Only if YOU stop calling me 'Ziddy'" "It's a deal" said blank, and they shook hands, until Blank stumbled and fell on Zidane..... Just as Vivi came back. "What the..." said Vivi, temporarily losing his stutter. "Um....... Wanna watch Cartoons?" said Zidane. "I-if it will get me a-away from this s-s-smut. E-even though I-i have no i-idea what a c- cartoon is."  
  
"There's only one way to solve this, Vegeta!" said Goku. "That's right." said Vegeta. "WEST SIDE STORY-STYLE DANCE-OFF!!!" And the match was on.ViVi was watching intently. "I wish I could dance like that." (AN.: Read my DBZ story, "Dragonball Z Spirited Away" Its cool.)" Blank puffed out his chest. "I can pole dance!!" ViVi and Zidane scooted away from him. On screen, Vegeta was severly intimidated by Goku's fancy moves, and begged for his life. ViVi stood up in his seat. "You kill that bastard, Goku!" Blank and Zidane stared wide-eyes at their little friend. "Where did you learn to talk like that Vee?" Vivi shrank back, nervous. "F- From you, Zidane-kun." Zidane blushed. "I...well, don't repeat anything I say. I'm a big potty mouth." Vivi glared. "You don't hafta use baby talk with me, I am 10 years old!!" "I thought you were nine!" Vivi glowed as brightly as a young wizard with joly-black skin could possibly glow. "My tenth birthday is coming up! I'm gonna be the big one o!!" Blank and Zidane gigged. Vivi cleared his throat and watched the T.V. Cinna walked in with groceries. "Does anyone was some mixed nuts?" Vivi shook his head. "Nah, when I eat nuts, my tounge itches." He was trying not to laugh. Zidane had to try. "Can you let me have on of your fabulous nuts?" He and Vivi were quivering with pent-up laughter. Cinna threw him a walnut. Blank smirked. "Its an awfully big nut but I woulden't taste it because it's all wrinkly." "Yeh." said Zidane. They were about to pee themselves they were holding in so much laughter. Cinna sniffled. "Is there anyone in this world who will eat my nuts?!"Needless to say, Vivi, Zidane and Blank lost it all right there. Vivi had tears rolling, Zidane nearly swallowed his tounge and Blank peed his pants. Cinna looked around. "Why is everyone laughi-" Suddenly, he got it. "You guys are asses." He said, as he left the room in a huff. After everyone stopped laughing, Zidane turned to Vivi. "When are you having your party, Vee?" Vivi beamed. "I want a surprise party." Zidane noticed that he didn't stutter when he was happy. Blank just had to blow his own horn. "It's not a surprise if you kno-" "SHUT UP!!" said Zidane. Then he turned to Vivi. "We'll throw you the best surprise party ever!" "Even if it isn't a sur-" "Didn't I tell you to shut up?" said Zidane to Blank, and he knocked him through the wall.  
  
Zidane, Steiner, Garnet, Amarant, Eiko, Freya, and Quina were all planning the party. Ganret was writing a list of things thye'd need. "Okay, First item, a cake." She turned to Quina. "You have to cook one for EVERYONE, not just one person. I know Vivi likes that chocolate-chocolate chip stuff." Zidane piped up. "I like Mocha!" Steiner didn't want to be left out. "I like yellow.""Sprinkles!!" said Eiko. "I want Strawberry!" said Amarant. Freya added that to the list. "I enjoy dark chocolate with mint chocolate chip!!" Garnet said. "Frogs!" said Quina. Everyone sweatdropped. Garnet crossed out "Cake" "Next item, Presents!!" Steiner holds out a card. "I have a free stuff cleaning/polishing card good at 'Phil's staff wands and crap like that.'" Garnet counted the contents of her purse. "How does 10,000 gil sound?" Quina held up a pot and pan. "I could cook him something!!" Zidane held out a crowbar lovingly. "I could use 'Mr. Whacky' to steal him a toy!!" Freya looked at her halberd. "I could get him a puppy." Eiko held a needle and thread. "I can make him a new jacket!" Amarant had knives. "I could teach him how to deal with anger!!" Everyone looked around nervously. "I think maybe it should be more of a material thing." said Garnet. Amarant nodded. As Garnet crossed off "Presents," She got to the third item. "Third, decorations." She looked up. "We could have streamers and balloons." "WITH LOTS OF RAUNCHY POSTERS!!!" said Zidane. Garnet paused. "Let's move on to 'food'." Amarant brightened. "How about a few cases of Crown Royal?" "AT A CHILD'S PARTY?" yelled Garnet. "I mean for us." said Amarant. "Since we're all adults except Eiko, she's too young." Eiko sulked. Zidane smiled. "We could have lots of shrimp, clams, mussels and oyesters!!" "And Steak Au Tartar!" said Garnet. (AN: Steak Au Tartar is raw meat) "Pufferfish!"Yelled Stiener. "Let's have Hollandaise!" Said Quina. (AN Hollandaise is raw egg sauce) Freya thought for a moment. "We could let him try some plankton!" Eiko was beaming. "I can cook my 7 and a half alarm chili for him! Everyone cheered. "Next item, Invitees" said Garnet. "Let's see...... Us........" "The other Knights of Pluto......" "Cinna, Blank, Marcus, and Baku......." "Mog....." "Ruby" Garnet clapped her hans together. "Okay, we're done." And with that, everyoner retired to their houses for the night. 


	2. I left my mind in Lindblum

Chapter 2: I left my mind in Lindblum  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own FFIX or anything else trademarked in this story. And if you say I do.. (Wields Staff) I'm gonna beat you with Mr. Whacky.  
  
Vividoll:Welcome to chapter 2. I am Vividoll. I just want to apologize to any Zidane fans for this chapter.  
  
Zidane was thinking about what to get Vivi for his birthday. He knew he couldn't give him any animals because of last year's experience with the rabid bunny. He thought all the foam coming out of its mouth was just because it had been brushing its teeth. How was he to know rabbits couldn't brush? The part that grossed him out the most was that he had been pre- rabid for 3 days and not known it, which was why Garnet had to have a rabies shot when he bit her while they were making out. He figured he should get him something unusual. Suddenly, a lightbulb lit up over his head... And promptly burned out. "Damn! I knew I should have changed that bulb before I left the house!" He unscrewed and changed the bulb which promptly lit up again. "I know! I can get him an exotic plant! And he was off to the florist, obviously forgetting Vivi's bad experience with the giant flower in the evil forest.  
  
Zidane marveled at the variety of exotic plants in "Phil's Meat-eating plants and shit-like-that." He stopped in front of one in particular that looked like it had jaws. He read the tag and announced, "This is a Venus flytrap!" Something landed on his nose, and he gulped. "And I do believe that this is a fly." The plant snapped out and grabbed him in its jaws. (AN: Yes, I KNOW Venus flytraps don't do that, but just bear with me.) Zidane tried to get the attention of the florist by screaming, but all that came out was, "MMMMMMMMMPH! MMMMMMMMMMMMPH!" The store owner came back to see what the noise was. "What is going on back he- GREAT MERCIFUL CRAP!" The shopkeeper grabbed Zidane and began to pull him by the feet to free him from the hungry plant.  
  
5 minutes later, Zidane was out of the plant's jaws, covered in drool, and gasping for air. He managed to catch his breath. "Maybe that plant is not a good idea." so he walked to the herb and vegetable table. He picked up a mushroom. "I wonder what this tastes like." He thought, and he took a bite. All of a sudden, within seconds, his head swam, and he felt REALLY HAPPY! He began to dance around the back of the door and sing. The clerk sweatdropped. "Oh, great. He must have gotten into the 'shrooms again." He went back to see if his assumption was correct. "Sir? Are you-" "MWAH!" At that moment, Zidane planted one on the Clerk, and ran out the door singing, "I am Avril Lavigne, Fly me, Hellborne airlines!"  
  
Blank was watching the TV while he was exercising. He had been watching the playboy channel, when a news repoter broke it. "This Just in! A boy downtown is running around in Pikachu print boxers and planting kisses on all the people, including the men. We think the cause was the hallucinogenic mushrooms sold by Phil E. Cheese-Steak Chhese-Steak has been arrested. We're not sure, but we think that the boy's name is Zidane Tribal, and- HOLY SHIT, HE JUST RAN OFF THAT CLIFF!" "Oh, crap." Said Blank  
  
Zidane woke up in the hospital. "Owww. what did I do?" Blank smirked "You fell off a cliff. Luckily, you landed on a Black Mage, and you were safe." "NOT LUCKY FOR ME!!!" said a voice behind them. It was a Black Mage with wings. "OMIGOD! IT'S A BLACK WALTZ!!" Yelled Zidane. "No you moron, I'm only half black waltz. My name's Jiji, and as an apology, I was invited to Vivi's party. Now come on, we gotta get to your place and get the present Blank bought from all three of us." And with that, they busted out the window and flew away.  
  
Unbeknownst to them, there was a terrible evil in the next chapter.. 


	3. Pet Store Massacre

Chapter 3: The Petstore Massacre  
  
Vividoll: First of all, I'd like to apologize to Amarant fans for this chapter.  
  
Amarant was sitting on the top step of the chug-and-blow bar, drinking a bottle of schnapps, and thinking about what to get Vivi for his birthday. He wasn't doing a good job since he was a little three sheets to the wind, if you know what I mean ~_^He was thinking along the lines of a rifle, until he remembered how Vivi was when he forgot his medicine. Suddenly, a candle lit up over his head. (AN: He's not very smart in this story, hence the candle.^_^) "I know! He likes animals!" he said, "But what to get him?"  
  
Amarant was at the petshop, staring in awe at the various breeds of animals all over the store. "Wow! I never knew there were so many kinds of animals!" he said, despite the fact there were only 7 breeds of animals in the shop. He went to the front desk, where the owner was talking to another customer. "Excuse me!" "I'm busy!" "But I need to talk to you!" "I'm busy! Wait until I'm done with him!" So Amarant looked around the shop... and noticed the mice and snakes.  
  
"How much further to the candy shop, Jiji?" Zidane, Jiji, and Blank were all walking to the candy shop to get Vivi some of his favorite candy. "It's just a little further to the shop." Said Jiji, fluttering along on his cobalt blue wings. They came to a shop in the Black Mage village marked "Mr.789's Candy, novelties, and questionable birthday cards." "Is this it?" said Blank. "Yep. The best on all Gaia." Jiji beamed. "Can't wait to get Vivi a card." Said Zidane, and they went in.  
  
Amarant was holding a mouse above one of the snakes. "Any last words before sentence is carried out?" He said. He had been feeding the mice to the snakes one by one. The mouse didn't answer. "You had your chance!" and Amarant dropped it in with the snake, where it was devoured. Now he had a problem. He was out of mice, and was bored. That's when he got an idea with the cats, dogs, birds, and fish..  
  
"WHAT did you say these are called?" asked Blank in shock. "Chocolate Nutz. they're balls of chocolate covered nuts" explained Jiji. "If I had those, telling someone to eat me would have a whole different meaning." quipped Zidane. "Laugh if you want, but they're delicious!" said Jiji, not realizing how wrong that sounded. "We need to purchase this whole case." He told Mr. 789. "Someone sure likes his Nutz," said Mr. 789. Everyone lost control right there.  
  
Meanwhile, at the petstore, there was a battle going down. The cats were eating the fish left and right despite reinforcements, the dogs were eating the cats, and the birds had fluttered up to the rafters to get away from the carnage. However, there were a few creative cats that found a way up after them. It was like a scene from Braveheart, only with four armies of animals. The carnage went on, until a dog upset a cage holding a chocobo, which got out and began to gobble up the snakes out of their cage. Amarant got to looking at the chocobo..  
  
"Okay, we've got the card, the present, and the balloon." Said Jiji. "Now we need to wrap the present before the party tonight." Said Blank. Zidane came up with some magazines. "We can use these! Just tear out the pages!"  
  
"I'd like to buy this chocobo." Said Amarant. "Sure. That will be 1,000 gil." Amarant handed over the money. "Here." "Thank you." Said the clerk, as Amarant hurried out. He then went back to where the pets were kept.. And saw the BIG mess. "Grrrr. THAT BASTARD!!! I'll get him!  
  
The plot thickens. 


	4. Movies

Chapter 4: Movies  
  
Garnet looked around at the movie store. There were billions upon billions of movies all over the shelves, and the anime section was nowhere in sight. She looked around the store, and found a clerk. "Excuse me." "Yes?" "I'm looking for the anime." "That's in aisle 4." "Thanks" She wandered to aisle 4 looking for the complete Inu-Yasha series on DVD. But what she saw nearly made her eyes pop out of her head.  
  
Jiji, Zidane, and Blank were all looking at cards in the local. gift shop, looking for one suitable for a nine-year-old. "How about this one?" said Zidane, holding one up. It had two dogs, one of them in a neck brace, with the other saying, "I know, I can't lick mine anymore either." "Okay, Number one, That's for older people, Number two, that's a little obscene to be giving to a child." "How about this one?" Blank held one up that read, "Droopy boob day to you." "He's not a woman!" said Zidane. "How do you know that?" challenged Blank. "When we got jailed for getting tanked in public that time, I saw him in the prison shower. And not only is he a boy, HE'S A TRIPOD!" Jiji sweatdropped. "Maybe we should just make him a card.  
  
Garnet stared in awe at the extensive collection of adult anime. She was not only stunned, but in heaven, because they had her favorite series all in one place. She went around, trying to choose one, when she remembered she was supposed to be shopping for Vivi. "Oh well." She thought. "I'll take this one with me, and If I don't find a video for Vivi, I'll buy him something else and get this for me. She walked off to find the clerk again.  
  
The three boys were in the kitchen of the Tantalus hideout, Making Vivi various cards. Zidane held his up. "I like mine!" It read, "Happy tenth birthday! Welcome to hell!" "ZIDANE!!! We can't give him a card like that! I like the one I made!" Exclaimed Blank. It ran, "Welcome to the double-digit years. Now you're really gonna regret wanting to get older." "BLANK!" Yelled Jiji. "If we give him that one, he'll never speak to us again!" Here's mine!" This card ran, "A Birthday Poem. 'Jack ain't nimble, jack ain't quick, he sat on your cake, and french-fried his d---" "JIJI! That's Disgusting!" Shouted Zidane. Well at least MY card doesn't tell him life is gonna be hell from now on! "At least I don't eat KY jelly on my toast!" "At least I don't give myself sponge baths with items from the fridge!" "Stop it!" said Blank. "I'll settle this. BOTH your cards suck!" "KILL!" said Jiji "DIE!" said Zidane, and they beat the crap out of each other.  
  
"I'd like to buy this DVD for my nine-year-old friend." Said Garnet. "And put this one back." She said, handing the man one of the two tapes. "Are you sure you wanna buy him THIS one?" "Yes, why?" "I think that's a little too much for a nine-year-old" "No it's not!" "Your choice." The man said as he shrugged" So Garnet walked from the store, not knowing what awaited at the party..  
  
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH! Another Cliffhanger?! 


	5. Weirdness, raunchiness, and maybe a litt...

Chapter 5: Steiner's gift problem  
  
Steiner was looking at the free staff cleaning from "Phil's wands, staffs, and shit-like-that" It was clear that he thought it was a good present, until he looked in the lower right corner and saw something that really pissed him off.  
  
"Only valid Jan. 1 thru Feb. 30? Aw crap!" he screamed.  
  
Apparently, it was far past that time, since it was the middle of the summer, and there were kids in swimming pools all over the place that weren't dying of hypothermia from exposure to cold water. He began to think of what he should get for Vivi, when he remembered him saying he liked rap music a lot, shortly after it was brought to Gaia by ambassadors from earth.  
  
"I know! There's a music store just down this road! They're bound to have some rap albums!"  
  
Without further ado, it was off to "Music to blow the top off your parents' heads"  
  
Jiji, Zidane and Blank were all going off to get Blank's present for Vivi. The Chocolate Nutz were wrapped, the card was in a little envelope, and Zidane's bowel obstruction had finally broken loose.  
  
"Where is the Tantalus hideout anyway?" asked Jiji.  
  
"Further up and further in" said Blank, quoting C.S. Lewis.  
  
"You don't know how wrong that sounds," said Zidane  
  
Jiji sweatdropped. "Can't you go one minute without thinking of s_x?"  
  
"Nope." Said Zidane. "I'm even thinking of making passionate love to Garnet while you speak."  
  
Blank did a rare double sweatdrop. "Have you even ever BEEN that lucky with her?"  
  
Zidane puffed out his chest. "Yep! One night, we went around four times!"  
  
Blank and Jiji looked repulsed. "TMI!" they both said.  
  
As they were talking, they came to the door of the Tantalus hideout. Unknowing of the terrible evil that waited inside.  
  
Steiner was looking at the music, looking for the rap. Frankly, he could have asked directions, but he was far too macho for that. The first CD he picked up was Weird Al Yancovic's "Poodle Hat."  
  
"Hey, what's this?"  
  
He went to one of the little headphone booths to listen to it. He lisened to the first song:  
  
~You're gonna lose your mind watchin TV They told me They scold me Cajoled me~  
  
"Weird!" he said, and skipped to another song:  
  
~I'm a namreg, German am I~  
  
Too weird! He said, and switched to another:  
  
~Why'd you hafta go an' make me so constipated?~  
  
0_0 "That's really weird!"  
  
He put the CD up, deciding it was too deep for a ten year old. That's when he noticed another CD.  
  
As the Black Mage/Waltz, Jiji, and his two travel companions entered the hideout, they saw the most horrible thing in the world. It was..  
  
(AN This next evil is really scary!)  
  
Baku, Marcus, and Cinna were having a wet T-shirt contest!  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Jiji, Zidane and Blank all screamed at the top of their lungs.  
  
Baku turned to them. "Ah, there you are, you can be the judges!"  
  
Zidane gulped. "Okay.."  
  
Steiner was now listening to the soundtrack to "Jay and Silent Bob strike back". He didn't mind at first, at least until he got to that one song in the middle of the movie. (AN: You know what I'm talking about.) "GREAT MERCIFUL CRAP!" I've never heard the F-word so many M----- F------ times in one song! However, it was a good tune, and soon, he found himself singing along very loudly.  
  
(AN: I could type what he's singing, but then this fic would be R-rated)  
  
He sang loudly in his raucous voice, until he noticed everyone was staring at him, some of them making the sign of the cross, and a few of them covering their kids' ears . He put that CD up, but then he saw another..  
  
Jiji, Zidane, and Blank were leaving the Tantalus Hideout with the present. It was a little doll of Vivi himself, holding a HUGE wooden staff. It had abnormally large eyes, but it was VERY cute.  
  
"Does it talk?" asked Zidane, and he punched it in the stomach.  
  
The doll winced. "Ow, that hurts, dammit!"  
  
Zidane jumped back. "What the f-"  
  
Blank had to explain. "It's a living doll. I made it myself"  
  
Jiji looked at it. "Does it have a name?"  
  
The doll smiled as best as it could without a mouth. "It's Chibi Vividoll"  
  
"Well, let's get you to the party."  
  
And off they went.  
  
Steiner was at the front desk of the music store.  
  
"I want this CD."  
  
"The best of Eminem?"  
  
"Sure, It's for my nine year old friend!"  
  
"Um... I'm not sure you wanna give him this one.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Didn't you listen to it?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Never mind. You'll find out."  
  
I bet you all can't WAIT for the party. Cya. 


	6. Freya and the Puppy

Chapter 6:Freya and the puppy  
  
Freya was still trying to figure out what the heck she should get Vivi. She tried to think about what he liked. She knew he liked anime and animals, and she figured Garnet had already gotten him the complete Inu-Yasha DVD set, since she was always watching it with him on the couch at midnight by the light of the computer, screen emblazoned with images of questionable pictures consequential from Zidane's raging addiction to internet porn. So she went off on the quest to find him a puppy.  
  
"I'll bet there are some good ones up at the pet shop!" she said. "Maybe I can find him a nice little Dalmatian, or some other hyperactive breed to keep him from bugging me during 'Days of our lives'. I missed half the season premier because he was jumping on the couch next to me yelling, 'Zidane Tribal gives himself sponge baths with motor oil!'"  
  
And so, the rat like woman was off to find Vivi a puppy.  
  
Jiji, Zidane, Blank, and Chibi were off to get to the place where the party would be held. They were having the party up at the park, since there were restrooms and emergency facilities nearby. They were going to set up the decorations.  
  
"Oh, good! We're the first ones here!" said Zidane.  
  
"And look!" said Blank. "The decorations are already set out for us!"  
  
"Garnet must've left them. She was here earlier picking out the spot." Explained Jiji  
  
"Let's get started!" said Chibi.  
  
They were putting up the streamers balloons, and crepe paper, when Blank noticed what Zidane was putting up.  
  
"Zidane, What the hell is that?"  
  
"It's Miss July, 1998"  
  
"Zidane, we cannot put that up during a child's-"  
  
"WHAM!" Zidane had pulled out his crowbar and whacked Blank.  
  
"All who oppose me must answer to Mr. Whacky." He said.  
  
"We don't like 'Mr. Whacky.'" Said Jiji.  
  
"YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?" Zidane brandished Mr Whacky like a club.  
  
Jiji shut up.  
  
"10000 gil?" Freya just could not believe how much they were charging for one little puppy. She figured she may just have to pick one up off the street. As she was walking out, she saw a little puppy, foaming at the mouth, and tearing up a milk carton.  
  
"He's a feisty one." She said. "Perfect."  
  
She approached the puppy, holding out a piece of meat like a lure.  
  
"Here, puppy, puppy, puppy.."  
  
It snapped at the meat, and Freya had to drop the meat to avoid losing her hand.  
  
"You wanna fight, do you?"  
  
She grabbed a burlap sack that was lying in someone's trashcan.  
  
"Here, puppy, puppy, puppy." She said again.  
  
While the puppy was eating his meat, she thrust the bag over it, and scooped him up in the bag. The puppy continued to growl and fight, but she held on to the bag tight.  
  
"Now all I need is a collar." She said, and It was off to the pet store.  
  
The decorations for the party were now up. There were streamers, ballons, and.. Playboy centerfolds.  
  
"I still think this is a little much for a child's party." Said Jiji.  
  
"Don't make Mr. Whacky mad!" said Zidane.  
  
Blank Incoherently mumbled, due to his headache.  
  
Jiji was still unconvinced. "This is NOT appropriate for a ten-year-old's party, and furthermore- WOAH, MAMA, WHO IS SHE?"  
  
Jiji had spotted "Miss March, 2000" who was a VERY well built Female Black Waltz in a string bikini.  
  
Zidane smiled. Yeah, I know. I think Vivi's gonna like that one too.  
  
Freya got to the pet store. There were feathers, fur, dead fish, dead snakes, and other unidentifiable animals all over the place.  
  
"WTF?" She asked herself.  
  
Just then, the storeowner appeared. "Do you know someone with bright red dreadlocks and a green outfit?  
  
"No." Freya lied. And She walked right back out of the store.  
  
Unknown to them, there was evil cooking up in the kitchen back at Castle Alexandria. 


	7. The Cake

Chapter 7: The refreshments  
  
Quina was sitting at the counter looking at the various flavors of cake in their boxes. He would've been cooking, except he had a big problem, which was the fact that he only had one big bowl, and only two big cake pans, after the little incident where he tried to cook a frog-and-strawberry soufflé with his cookware. It was bad enough that he'd lost almost all of his bowls and pans, but the soufflé collapsed, and he remembered he'd forgotten to take the innards out of the frogs when they squirted all over him, causing him to eat his apron to get the frogs off. He thought about how he could cook them all and still have enough time to get it to the party.  
  
"I know! I cook all flavors in one big bowl together! That way, everyone happy! And I get cake to party in time!"  
  
Quina started opening boxes, and prided himself on his "great" idea.  
  
Freya walked down the street, with the puppy in the bag, still growling and fighting. It was trying to break from the bag, possibly to tear her up for sticking him in the tiny burlap sack, which smelled like cabbage. As she walked, she sang:  
  
~Ninety-nine dead baboons sitting in my living room.~  
  
She spotted a red-haired man with a large chocobo up ahead. He was frantically looking around for something, and seemed scared. Freya suddenly knew who it was.  
  
"Amarant? What are you doing? Did you steal that chocobo?"  
  
"No, I paid for it, but now the shopkeeper is looking for me since I fed the mice to the snakes; and staged a huge four-way war between the cats, birds, dogs, and fish"  
  
"That was you? That's better than the time you went into Toys 'r' Us and staged a huge fight spanning one aisle between the X men and the Ninja Turtles."  
  
"Yeah, but no one got hurt that time."  
  
"Unless you count the guy who went to the hospital with Wolverine's claws lodged in his brain."  
  
"Yeah. Can you help me?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Just then, a sound was heard. Amarant dashed around the corner and hid. It was the shopkeeper, and boy, was he pissed. He turned to Freya. "Did you see a man with red dreadlocks go by here? I'm trying to find him so I can kick his ass!"  
  
"I haven't seen anyone." She said. But a guy with a chocobo DID go that wa- "  
  
"Which way did he go?"  
  
"He went down main street."  
  
"Thanks!"  
  
And he was off. Freya turned to face Amarant.  
  
"Since You need protection, I'll walk with you to the party."  
  
"I was gonna go to the bar first and have a few drinks."  
  
"You are NOT going to go to the party tanked."  
  
"Okay."  
  
And off they went.  
  
Quina was mixing various cake mixes in one bowl together. Among them were chocolate-chocolate chip, yellow, and frog. As the mixes mixed into a disgusting gray blob, Quina went to work on the frosting. Once again, he was mixing every flavor of frosting in the kitchen together. The frosting looked like a gray booger. He was going to put sprinkles on it, and he was mixing Christmas, Halloween, rainbow, pastel, red hot, and chocolate sprinkles on top of the cake.  
  
"Quina cook good cake that everyone like." He said. "Quina cook hollandaise after this."  
  
He continued cooking the frankencake.  
  
Garnet was strolling down the road with the video in her purse, wrapped and ready for the party. She was singing as she went:  
  
"~Sakura, Sakura~"  
  
She noticed a familiar figure in rusty armor up ahead.  
  
"Steiner, what are you doing out here?"  
  
"I went to get Vivi's present"  
  
"What did you get him?" "It has a weird title. M-N-M or something like that."  
  
"You....got him an Eminem CD?"  
  
"Yes, why?"  
  
"I Don't know how to tell you this."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"It's probably really gonna piss you off since no one told you."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Are you ready for this?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
She sighed. "Vivi doesn't own a CD player."  
  
"AW, DAMN! Oh, well, I can give him mine. I scratched all my CD's from trying to clean the food and crap off them with steel wool, anyway."  
  
"You're taking this well."  
  
I know, now let's get to that party.  
  
Quina looked at the finished cake. The frosting and cake were gray, the sprinkles were a haphazard rainbow of candy, and the candles weren't all the same kind.  
  
"Quina no make cake before. Only fine cuisine!" he said.  
  
He looked over the cake.  
  
"Quina do good!" he said, and began to cook the hollandaise.  
  
But nobody was prepared for what awaited in the next chapter. 


	8. Wounded Mage

If you like Kirby, check out my Stories under the name King-Dedede114. They're funny!  
  
Chapter 8: Wounded Mage  
  
Eiko was sitting in the comic shop looking for a manga that Vivi would like. She had been looking for hours, but had found none that she thought Vivi would like. She had enough to get him at least three, but she didn't know which to get him. That's when Eiko got one of her bright ideas.  
  
"I know! I'll ask that clerk over there!"  
  
The clerk was a pimply-faced teen with pink hair and tattoos. In other words, not somebody you would like a six-year-old talking to.  
  
"Excuse me mister, do you have a comic that an older boy would like?" she said.  
  
Sure, I'll help." He said boredly, and he led her to the section entitled "Hentai/Yaoi Manga", not bothering to ask how much older Vivi was. Eiko looked around at this aisle. There were scantily clad women all over the covers, men in dresses, and women kissing women.  
  
"I've never seen comics like these before." She said in awe as she picked a book off the shelf. She read the title out loud. "Wounded Man".  
  
She began to open the book, when the clerk said, "Trust me, you don't wanna read that. It really is for older boys." So she put it under her arm. That's when she noticed on with a pretty girl on it.  
  
Steiner, Garnet, Zidane, Jiji, Blank, Amarant, and Freya were all at the party grounds setting out the plates and forks.  
  
"This is gonna be the best party!" said garnet, uncovering a dish of raw steak. "I brought the best steak au tartar we had!"  
  
Freya uncovered her dish. "I brought the shellfish salad."  
  
Steiner put his on the table. "I brought fresh mussels."  
  
Zidane smiled proudly. "And I decorated!"  
  
"We can tell." Everyone said as they looked around at the questionable pictures on the trees. Jiji was still staring at the picture of the female Black Waltz.  
  
"I'd shag her in a second!" They heard him say, and he began to french the poster."  
  
"Jiji!" said Garnet  
  
"Garnet!" said Jiji.  
  
"Zidane!"  
  
"Steiner!"  
  
"Freya!"  
  
"Rocky!"  
  
"Wrong script." Said the author putting her head in her hands.  
  
And the scene ended while the author tried to find the right script.  
  
Eiko was looking at the comic on the shelf. It was titled "Tomie"  
  
"Wow, Vivi'd love that!" she said.  
  
(A/N: "Tomie" is an adult horror manga.)  
  
Eiko looked up at the clerk. "What can you tell me about this comic book? Is it a good one?"  
  
The clerk actually smiled. "Damn good one!" he said. "It'll keep you up alllllll night it's so good."  
  
Eiko picked it up. "Should I look at it to see if he'd like it?"  
  
"NO! that one is also for much older people. You wouldn't understand or like it."  
  
So Eiko put the comic under her arm and went looking for the last one. She spotted one titled "Ranma ½"  
  
"Wow, that one has animals!" she said when she spotted the panda on the front. "He'd love that!"  
  
(A/N: In Ranma ½, Ranma is a boy who turns into a girl, and his father turns into a panda when they are splashed in cold water. It's a s_x comedy, not to make anyone feel like idiots.)  
  
Eiko held it up for the clerk to see. "What about this one?"  
  
The clerk laughed. "Oh man, that one is so friggin' HILARIOUS!"  
  
Eiko put that one under her arm. "I bet I'm not supposed to read this one either, am I?"  
  
"Nope." Said the clerk. "And lie about your age when you pay for them.  
  
"Okay", she said, and she was off to the front desk.  
  
The food, plates, utensils, and cokes were now all set on the table. There was a pink frilly tablecloth on the picnic table (Because Garnet picked up the wrong tablecloth from the tailor) and the presents were stacked up on one end of the table.  
  
Blank beamed. "This is gonna be the best un-surprise party we ever-" WHOCK!  
  
Zidane stood back with Mr. Whacky. "All who speak Ill of Vivi's party must answer to Mr. Whacky."  
  
"Couldn't you have picked a better name for it?" asked Garnet.  
  
"For the first ten months of his life, when he was still part of my indoor plumbing, his name WAS 'Cheryl.'"  
  
"Why did you change it?  
  
"Have you ever called a plumber and said, 'Cheryl's loose, she needs to be screwed in good this time."  
  
Everyone, even Steiner, nearly died laughing.  
  
"That plumber was pretty upset over that little bit of false advertising."  
  
"I bring cake!" they heard. Quina was coming up the hill carrying the cake. As he put it on the table, everyone stared at the mass of gray frosting and Technicolor sprinkles.  
  
"What the hell is that?" asked Zidane.  
  
"It cake!" said Quina "Quina never bake cake before. Only fine cuisine."  
  
"We can see that." Said Steiner.  
  
"Wait up!" Eiko was coming up the hill with a wrapped package and two covered dishes "I brought three comic books , my famous 7and ½ alarm chili, and the hollandaise that Quina forgot."  
  
As everyone talked and laughed, and all the guests arrived, Ruby glanced down the hill and called out, "HEY! HE'S COMING!"  
  
Everyone hid in wait for their friend. 


	9. Karaoke!

Chapter 9: Karaoke!  
  
Vivi was approaching the top of the hill. Everyone scrambled around in the excitement of the final moments of secrecy. The tension hung heavily in the air like one of Chris Farley's farts.  
  
"Quick! Everyone hide!" said Zidane, "He's coming!"  
  
There was a mad scramble for hiding places. In the confusion, someone snapped a twig off of a tree, and it fell on the cake, someone knocked all of the gifts over, and Garnet splashed hollandaise on her dress.  
  
As Vivi approached the top of the hill where he had been told to go by Eiko's letter, which had told him that he had left his staff up there, despite the fact he was holding it right now, he wondered what all the confusion was.  
  
"Th-this is really weird. S-something is f-fishy here, a-and it's not the pickled herring I h-had for lunch!"  
  
He came to the top of the hill, and saw all this food and these presents laid out.  
  
"Wh-wh-what the-  
  
"SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, VIVI!!!"  
  
Everyone was there. The FFIX gang, the Tantalus Gang, The Knights of Pluto, Beatrix, and the entire population of the black mage village were all crowded around the picnic table.  
  
"Happy birthday!" said Zidane, "We wanted to make this party extra special, so We're gonna do a little KARAOKE!!!" Take it away, Garnet!  
  
Garnet took the microphone and began.  
  
~Hello, Bobby my old friend It's good to see you once again How's your mother, how's your aunt, How's your father's skin-diving suit?~  
  
At this part, everyone busted out laughing. "I'm not real sure about that line, but it goes something like that." Then she continued.  
  
~I've got something you should see, back at my place, come with me I've got some brand new furnishings Plus ninety-nine dead baboons.  
  
Ninety-nine dead baboons Sitting in my living room Not to functional it seems, But quite a conversation piece This one's Jake, that one's Dinah, There's Big Ned in my recliner No it's not a La-Z-Boy, Can't you see it's a dead baboon?  
  
Dead Baboons, Everybody!  
  
Dead baboons  
  
Dead Baboons  
  
How they got here, I'm not sure, Woke up one day, there they were. Luckily, I've got a lease Allowing pets if they're deceased I'm just thankful they're not apes 'Cuz apes would clash with the drapes no more napkins at my parties, wipe your hands on a dead baboon!  
  
Dead Baboons, Everybody!  
  
Dead Baboons  
  
Dead Baboons  
  
Dead Baboons are lots of fun Playing water balloons I've always won. You can keep your dead giraffes and swine, I'll take dead baboons every time There's just one problem I have found It's finding Purina dead baboon chow.  
  
But what a happy snorkeling device.~  
  
There was a long pause, after which Garnet said, "I'm not sure about that line either." Then continued."  
  
~With Ninety-nine dead baboons Everybody!  
  
Dead Baboons  
  
Dead Baboons Dead Baboons Dead Baboons~  
  
By the end of the song, everyone was laughing their asses off. Zidane stood up to announce the next singer. "The next singer is... Beatrix! Beatrix Prepared to sing.  
  
~It happened one day in the studio dancing around in a do-si-do the purple monstrosity was waving his arms we were falling victim to his evil charms he brushed against a candle and he started to smoke and now were all laughing at the dinosaur joke  
  
Oh boy! Barney's on fire It's what we've always desired We'll watch the flames get higher, Just don't try to put him out  
  
(A/n: Imagine the black mages singing "Kill 'im" Over and over again until the second chorus right here.)  
  
Purple fur was flying, ashes everywhere, And all of the kids just continued to stare The guy inside the suit, he started to yell, We prob'ly shoulda helped him but what the hell? He threw himself violently against the wall He fell to his knees and he tried to crawl away  
  
Oh boy! Barney's on fire This is our secret desire We'll help the flames get higher, Just don't try to put him out~  
  
Beatrix: Break it down, Vivi!  
  
Vivi: I love you.. You love me.. (He acts like he's on fire) AH! AAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAH! Thud.  
  
~Oh boy! Barney's on fire Barney's on fire It's what we've always desired We'll help the flames get higher, And you better not try to put him out.  
  
Barney's no longer ignited We're feeling somewhat slighted He's laying in a heap on the floor, We poked him with a stick Cuz we had to be sure He was dead~  
  
Everyone laughed till they were blue when that song was finished. Giggling, Zidane announced the last singer before the festivities commenced.  
  
"Our last singer before we play the games, iiiiis. VIVI ORNITIER!  
  
Vivi got up to the microphone. "I-I wanna say that I am gonna s-sing "The restroom door said gentlemen" to the t-tune of "God rest ye merry gentlemen" He prepared.  
  
~The restroom door said gentlemen and so I walked inside I heard high voices then knew I'd been taken for a ride I looked around and noticed that the room was occupied By two nuns, two old ladies and a nurse What could be worse? Than two nuns, two old ladies and a nurse That sign upon the restroom door it must have been a gag I tried to run outside and I ran into some old hag She sprayed me with her mace and then she whacked me with her bag I started to scream and curse, what could be worse? Than starting to scream and curse~  
  
Zidane stepped up to the podium. "We will commence with our first game, pin the hat on the black mage, in just a minute!  
  
To be continued. 


	10. Games part 1

Chapter 10: Games  
  
"Okay, the first game we will play is "Pin-the-hat-on-the-black-mage-with- an-arrow." Said Zidane.  
  
Garnet was passing out paper hats with arrows on them to everyone who was playing. There was a little picture of a hatless black mage hanging on the tree nearby.  
  
"Okay, I will go first!" said Zidane.  
  
As he was approaching the picture, he heard Mr. 288 humming. With all that noise, he couldn't concentrate.  
  
"STOP THAT DAMN HUMMING, BEFORE I NAIL YOU WITH MR. WHACKY!!!" he yelled."  
  
That's when the Black Mages all got tired of his threats. "Come on, men! Said Mr. 288, "He can't whack us all!  
  
"YEAH!!!" said all three black waltzes, which had shown up uninvited. Mr. 288 began to sing.  
  
~I would trade the world just to hear you breathing, I would walk a million miles~  
  
All the Black Waltzes, plus Jiji and Vivi joined in  
  
~I could spend my life in this sweet serenity~  
  
Now all the Black Mages joined in too.  
  
~I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall asleep cuz I miss you, baby And Don' wanna miss you babe. Even when I dream of you the sweetest thing I'll never do, I still miss you baby, an I don't wanna miss you babe-  
  
"OKAY, OKAY!!! I won't use Mr. Whacky on anymore Black Mages!" yelled Zidane.  
  
Jiji and the three original black waltzes all went, "AHEM!"  
  
"OR BLACK WALTZES!!!" The exasperated genome yelled. "Now will you let me pin the damn hat on?" All of the Mages and Waltzes nodded, doing something with their eyes that looked like a smug smile.  
  
"Okay then!" Zidane, looked at the picture, tried to remember where the head was, pulled down the blindfold, and plunged the arrow with the hat into the picture of the mage.  
  
There was dead silence. Then the whole party exploded into laughter.  
  
"What? What's so funny?" Asked Zidane. He was still blindfolded, so he couldn't see where he'd put it.  
  
"T-that's g-gotta hurt! Kwehehehehehehehe!" laughed Vivi.  
  
Zidane pulled up the blindfold and when he saw what he had done, even he began to laugh. He had, shall we say, stuck the hat with the arrow thru the picture of the mage right where the sun doesn't shine.  
  
"Quick! Castrate it before it can reproduce! Kwehehehehehehehe!" Black Waltz #3 laughed  
  
"Hey, how do you know how Black Mages reproduce? We're not supposed to find that out until Vivi has kids!" Yelled Garnet.  
  
"Waltzes breed like rabbits, so I figured Mages do to. I grew up with 89 brothers and sisters." Replied Three  
  
"Your parents must have been BU-SY!" said Chibi Vividoll from inside the wrapped box she was in. Everyone stared at it. "Hey, I had to say something, the author was ignoring me!"  
  
"D-did that box j-just talk?" Asked Vivi.  
  
"You'll find out soon enough," grinned Blank.  
  
"Garnet, you're up." Said Zidane.  
  
Garnet pretty much did the same thing Zidane did, except she put the arrow thru its chest.  
  
"Freya!"  
  
Freya put it thru its stomach.  
  
"Steiner! Eiko! Vivi!"  
  
Steiner, Eiko, and Vivi all never even touched the poster  
  
"Quina!"  
  
Quina ate his steepled-hat-with -an-arrow-thru-it.  
  
"Amarant!"  
  
Amarant said he was too cool for "Pin-the-hat-on-the-Black-Mage"  
  
"This rounds winner is Garnet! Okay, now the Black Mages get to try!"  
  
All of the Black Mages' turns were pretty uneventful (and unsuccessful), until Mr. 288 took his turn. He, like the others, tried remembering where the poster was, put down the blindfold; blah blah blah, and then began to walk towards the tree. As he was walking, he figured that maybe he was walking a little too far. He felt the arrow go into something, and backed up to see what he had hit on the poster, but before he could pull off the blindfold, he once again heard the clearing explode into laughter.  
  
"What is so funny?" he asked. When he pulled off the blindfold, he saw that he had plunged it right thru Vivi's hat.  
  
"Wrong Mage" said Vivi.  
  
"Okay, since Mr. 288 actually made it to ONE mages head, he wins this round."  
  
"What do I win?"  
  
"The game."  
  
"No prizes?"  
  
"No prizes."  
  
"None?"  
  
"None."  
  
"No-"  
  
"NO!!!"  
  
The mage cringed and looked up at Zidane. "Please don't hurt me." He said. Zidane rolled his eyes and turned to Jiji and his "brothers".  
  
"Okay, You four are next. Jiji, you're first."  
  
Jiji's turn was pretty uneventful.  
  
"Okay, One."  
  
One pinned the hat on its leg  
  
"Two."  
  
Two pinned his hat on a tree about five yards from the one with the poster.  
  
"And last, but certainly NOT least, Three."  
  
Three had a lot of trouble finding the tree, so he just plunged the arrow, and-  
  
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOUUCH!!!"  
  
As he lifted the blindfold, he saw that he had put the arrow thru one of the presents. From inside the box, they heard swearing and thumping.  
  
"STUPID M-----F------ SON OF A F------ BITCH!!!" WHEN I FIND OUT WHO THAT WAS, I'M GONNA F------ KILL THEIR ASS!!!  
  
"Never mind the talking box, people." Said Blank.  
  
"This rounds winner is One. The next game will be 'Limbo!'"  
  
And so ended Pin-the-hat-on-the-black-mage-with-an-arrow. 


End file.
